Welcome to Cozy Poetry Corner by Debra A Winter (Richter)

(A drunken narrator, a heartbroken rabbit, and one unlucky squirrel named Pearl collide in this absurd woodland tale of beer, cannonballs, and a thong that met a tragic end. Pure nonsense. Pure humor.)

“100‑Beer Disaster and Thong Catastrophe”

We all heard about the “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” song.

But did you ever hear about the thong, of a squirrel, who died so wrong?

The thong belonged to Mr. Rabbit, who loved a cute albino girl–

Whose lovely name was skinny, scrawny, Squirrel Pearl.

Squirrel Pearl, met her end with her thong stuck on the wall;

She drank too many swigs from the alcohol hall.

The rabbit was heartbroken by this news–

He cried all night long with the jazz-type bubbling blues.

This tale is short because the characters are all dead.

All blasted to pieces by cannonballs of red.

So I picked up all the pieces, one by one,

Added to a pot of water–it looked like a ton.

Made my dinner from all the wall killed remains,

Drank a bottle of beer and lost my fricken brains.

So the 100 bottles of beer on the wall are no more;

I’m full to the brim and passed out on the floor.

So ends the story of the death gone wrong, thong–

As I was so drunk I just can’t recall where I it all went wrong.

I think it was the 100 bottles of beer I chugged all night long;

Hugging that stinking thong from a squirrel whose death was so wrong.

It stunk worse than my beer breath, just to be frank–

As the thong’s in the garbage, ‘cause boy…it royally stank!

Authors Note: This poem was born from a goofy mood, a squirrel with questionable fashion choices, and the eternal mystery of why woodland critters can’t handle their beer. No animals were harmed — except maybe Pearl’s dignity.